What I learned from my cheating ex-boyfriend, alcoholic mother, and being Asian (and how it applies to you!)
It's about to get uncomfortable up in here. I'm going to share with you some v. personal information about myself in hopes that it will help you take inspired action, live more courageously and treat yourself better.
Difficult things happen to and around us all the time, because, life. But I'm sending you this email to remind you that there is a bright light filled with good things waiting for you at the end of the tunnel! ❤️ Below are stories of three challenging times in my life that made me a better person.
A LESSON FROM MY ALCOHOLIC MOTHER
A lot of my own trauma (and healing) came from growing up in an abusive household with an alcoholic mother. Regardless of whether I was trying to avoid her or appease her, she's always played a dominant role in my life. For many years, I was a victim of her drinking and mental illness, and I let her disease run my life. It wasn't until I was fully into adulthood that I was finally able to do the unthinkable. I risked letting her die to find my own freedom. On one evening specifically, I found myself having to make a choice. Either I enable her behavior by taking care of her, or I leave her in a very precarious situation in which she could have easily injured herself or worse, died. In that moment, I knew I was being challenged to make a choice that would represent how I wanted to live my life. For the first time ever, I chose me. It didn't feel good at the time, but it felt right. I cried my eyes out for three days straight, worried she would end up at the bottom of a staircase unconscious and bleeding to death (dramatic, I know). Luckily, that wasn't the case, and I also know that many alcoholics aren't so lucky. It was a huge risk, but one I was willing to pay for the price of my freedom and living life on my own terms.
Moral of the story and how it applies to you: At some point, you WILL find yourself at a crossroads, and you will have to make really hard, scary decisions. It's in those moments that the universe is challenging you to face your demons, giving you an opportunity to learn the lessons you specifically need to learn in order to be your most actualized self. In those moments, you have to fight for your freedom, your well-being, your safety, your sense of self, your joy, even if it means taking very scary risks. You're the only one who can do this for you, which is why it's so important that you do. Otherwise, you will never grow beyond where you are now and experience what you're capable of. But when you do, you'll realize anew just how strong and powerful you really are.
A LESSON FROM MY CHEATING EX-BOYFRIEND, CRACKHEAD NEIGHBOR, AND BEDBUGS
In a series of three months, I found out the love of my life at the time was cheating on me with a close "friend" of mine; my apartment became infested with bed bugs (which is a distressing experience mentally, physically and financially!); and I was physically attacked by my neighbor who was high as a kite when I walked in on him burglarizing my apartment. All of these things forced me to ask myself WTF I was doing with my life. I was in a terribly unhealthy relationship with a egotistical musician (it's always the drummers that get you!), out drinking till 4:00am five nights a week, fostering superficial relationships with people who only cared about "the scene", and I didn't have a safe home to call my own. I felt terribly empty, directionless and out of control, which gave me the humility to finally admit that maybe I was doing something wrong.
Which is how I found myself down on my knees on the very dirty floor of my Brooklyn apartment. I had just finished reading a book that suggested, when in my darkest moments, I should pray. Prior to this, I had never prayed a day in my life and turned my nose up at the idea of any type of faith or religion. But hey, desperate times, you know? I was so sick of trying to control everything, it felt like a relief to pass control over to someone/something else. I admitted that I needed help, opened myself up to a new way of doing things, and for the first time in my life, was willing to say, "Hey Universe, can you help a homie out?" I can tell you truly that since learning how to do that, my life has improved 100 fold.
Moral of the story and how it applies to you: Your lowest points are your greatest catalysts for change. Don't avoid them and don't suppress your pain. Walk deep into the depths of your sorrow and let it heal you. Stop trying to control everything, pretending like you have it all figured out. Stop thinking with your ego. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and listen to your heart. The answers are there, you just have to give it weight, keep an open mind, and allow yourself to be humbled. If you're brave and take a courageous leap of faith, you will be rewarded in ways you didn't think possible.
A LESSON FROM CULTURAL AND SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS
At one point in my life, I was slated to in work in the hospitality industry! My immigrant parents had built a successful travel business for themselves (something that I am SO proud of them for). They wanted me to work for the family business, and when I thought about how all my dad's hard work would go to waste if I didn't take on his legacy, I felt so much guilt and shame. I felt selfish. It took me TWO freaking years to muster up the courage to finally tell him that I was miserable and hated the work. Two years, people! But when you're a child of immigrant parents (or if you're Jewish lol) disgracing your parents, living up to their expectations, and dealing with family guilt and pressure is like one of the hardest things to walk away from. But hey, guess what? Not only did I survive telling my parents the truth, as a result of following my heart, I am now doing work and living a lifestyle that brings me more fulfillment and joy than I knew was possible for myself.
Moral of the story and how it applies to you: Don't be like me and waste two precious years in your 20's not speaking up! I don't care how pressured or indebted you feel, it's NOT going to work in the long run. The more you force it, the more miserable you're going to be down the line. We're all trapped in confines that we create for ourselves because we allow exterior components to dictate our lives (society, history, culture etc). But we always have a choice to live the life we want to live, even if it doesn't always feel like much of a choice at the time. Yes, it's really scary saying no to people who's love and approval you want. And yes, doing the painful thing is hard. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it, or that you're not capable. Your happiness, freedom, and health are more important. Everyone has their own flow to follow. Following your own path is where you will thrive, and be able to use your gifts to help the most people.
The scenarios above represent me at some of my lowest lows. But each of these scenarios is also a moment in which I faced some of my biggest fears and because of that, I was changed for the good, forever. What I hope you can take away from this is that doing the painful thing is incredibly powerful. It will change you and save you in ways you didn't know you needed to be saved, and open up a world of possibilities for you. I am 100% certain that we're ALL capable of taking control of our lives, and whatever it is you think you can't do, you can! Follow your heart, and you will never be led astray. I'll be here for you, cheering you on every step of the way!!
Love, love, love,
Eva